Learn how to have a level head in tough situations.
If you met me, say, fumbling with the scanner at the Stop & Shop self-checkout, you’d think, “What a nice, slightly inept middle-aged lady.” But that’s only because smoke doesn’t literally come out of people’s ears when they’re angry. If it did, all the Stop & Shop shoppers would be evacuated and I’d be left sitting with my family-size box of Triscuits and my dog toys soaked in flame-retardant foam.
For the record, I am a nice lady, and one who is privileged to have a lot less to be mad about than many women. I’m employed, healthy, and educated, and there are people who have my back. I am also white, which means, among other things, that I’m spared being labeled an “angry Black woman” based on my merely showing up and having an opinion. And yet, like everyone I know (and, judging by social media, almost everyone I don’t know), I am far more rageful than ever before. Cultural extremism, inequities in our justice system, the attacks on LGBTQ+ people, and the revocation of our control over our bodies top my greatest- hits list of infuriating things. While those are macro issues, on a personal level “women are angry because they’re feeling taken advantage of, stressed out, and exhausted,” says Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger. “Even before the pandemic, women were much more stressed than men.”
Stress And Fear
Stress and anger are not the same thing, of course, but living in a chronically stressful societal setup with no change in sight—and then being advised to meditate to manage it better—can make a girl big mad. So can fear of, say, the sea boiling over or losing someone you love to gun violence. “There are real social changes we really need to make, to make people’s lives easier,” says Christine Smith, Ph.D., a professor of psychology, human development, and women’s and gender studies at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, who adds that we’re all so beaten down these days that we can’t help having anger bubble up. “When we’re stressed and exhausted, we have less bandwidth, and that’s when bad stuff comes out.”
To be clear, Smith does not mean that anger is bad—it’s our built-in signal that something isn’t working for us—but rather that we may completely lose it on someone who may not deserve that. When we’re running on emotional and cognitive fumes, she explains, we just don’t have it in us to reason, “Maybe that guy ahead of me at Starbucks didn’t mean to thwack me with his yoga mat.” Instead, we shoot lasers out of our eyes, vent at the barista, or upsize to a Trenta caramel mocha latte with extra whipped cream to try to soothe our souls.
Feeling Bad About Being Mad
On top of our being legit angry, the fact that openly admitting it (let alone showing it) is frowned upon if you’re a woman means that a lot of emotional labor is devoted to concealment or redirection. Sometimes we jump to “It’s OK” even before we feel our anger, as in, “Oh, I’m not mad—that’s just how he is.” “Women are expected to forgive and forgive and forgive,” says Chemaly. And if we must speak up about what’s bothering us, we think, "I’m just going to say this in the most benign way possible; I’m not going to go with the words that make it sound impolite," she says.
Some of us are also ashamed of feeling anger, especially on our own behalf, says Chemaly. “It’s not like guilt, which is feeling bad about something you did,” she says. “It’s more like, I am a bad person. It’s woven into our cultural norms.” Anger isn’t feminine; it’s not helpful or “nice”; it contorts your face so you look ugly, and who wants to look ugly? The idea that anger is a no-no for women is reinforced by the reaction we get when we reveal that we’re angry: Research shows that women are judged more negatively than men for the outward expression of anger. Other research has found that women as well as Black people are discredited for their emotionality when they express anger—being Black and a woman is a double whammy. The result of responses like this: “People are going to, intentionally or unintentionally, stop expressing emotions that way,” says Ryan Martin, Ph.D., author of Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change. When they must show their feelings, says Martin, they are told that their manner of expression (be it giving an impassioned political speech, protesting, or kneeling at a football game) is silly, offensive, or simply not the “right” way to express their fury.
If we grew up with relatively few examples of our moms’ and grandmas’ anger being treated as valid (and being told to “be nice” when we are pissed off), that may make it so some of us don’t even realize when we’re angry. Instead, the emotion is repurposed as sadness, disappointment, frustration, stress, or resignation, all of which are more socially acceptable for women. Anger may also turn into rumination, says Smith, which is linked to depression and anxiety. “If you’re consistently messaging to someone that getting angry is bad, that person is going to end up minimizing that in their lives,” says Martin. Insisting “I’m not angry” when you have every reason to be becomes a default.
Disappointment, stress, anxiety, and the rest can all be felt at the same time, of course, but anger is often a throughline, says Chemaly. “If you scratch the surface just a little bit and say, ‘Let’s talk about why you’re stressed,’ you will quickly get to ‘I am exhausted and no one is helping me, I have student loans, I am taking care of my children and my parents, and my spouse isn’t doing half the work,’” says Chemaly. “It’s a hop, skip, and a jump to anger.”
How Anger Attacks The Body
For decades, science has shown that anger is associated with a whole heap of health conditions. “There are all sorts of indirect health consequences of anger,” says Martin. One strong association is between poorly managed anger and heart disease: A study found that being anger-prone is an independent risk factor for heart disease, and Harvard researchers found that people who were frequently explosively angry were about five times more likely to have a heart attack in the two hours after an outburst (the risk of stroke more than tripled). No one is saying that anger causes heart attacks, to be sure, but periods of anger or anxiety can put you in fight-or-flight mode, leading to a cascade of effects that include higher blood pressure, narrowing of blood vessels, and increased clotting. Fight-or-flight also tightens your muscles, says Martin, leading to things like chronic back pain and tension headaches. Some research even found that anger can play a role in the development of type 2 diabetes.
In addition, a slew of psychological conditions—anxiety, depression, and eating disorders chief among them—are thought to be tied to unexpressed anger, and there is some evidence that physical symptoms may have more to do with suppressing anger than expressing it. New research from Korea looks at Hwabyung, which is “a culture-related anger syndrome,” more common in Korean women than Korean men, that arises because of enormous pressure to keep anger inside. Asian cultures are far more collectivist than Western ones, the authors write, so anger is hidden so as not to alienate the group. “The term Hwabyun literally translates as ‘fire-illness’ in English, because physical symptoms…include a heat sensation, as if one has flames in their body; the feeling of something pushing up in one’s chest; respiratory stuffiness; and dry mouth,” they add. Sufferers tend toward passive-aggression and self-blame rather than outbursts of anger. While there isn’t much data to show that stifling anger is tied to specific health issues, Martin says, “I do think it makes intuitive sense that it leads to other negative health outcomes, mainly because it reflects a failure to resolve your feelings in a healthy way, and that’s going to have some consequences.” Of course, some of those consequences include the dumb things we do when we’re angry—using dangerous substances, driving like lunatics, rage-eating—all of which harm our health and potentially that of others.
Anger Management Tips
It’s tempting to think, Anger is unhealthy, so I must meditate/walk/take CBD/whatever to calm down. And yes, lowering your level of arousal in the moment can keep you from punching a wall and get you to think more clearly. But bypassing anger to feel better without addressing why you’re angry is a mistake, says Chemaly: “You can’t self-help your way out of any of this.” Martin points out that anger-management programs that focus excessively on decreasing anger intensity and reframing angry thoughts “can feel really minimizing to people who have legitimate reasons to be angry. You’re saying, ‘Get less angry,’ which is somehow implying that it’s all in their head,” he says.
Try these ideas for listening to your anger and allowing it to make your life better:
Name It
“I feel angry.” Go ahead, say it. It may feel weird, but call it what it is rather than reflexively telling yourself that there’s no point in being angry because there’s nothing you can do about it, whatever “it” is. Another version of this: “I’m not angry because he didn’t mean to do it.”
“Anger is the most social emotion,” says Chemaly. “If you’re angry, that’s a sign of hope—it means you believe change should happen and that others should care about you enough to help.”
Feel It
“Most of us are taught to detach from the emotion," says Chemaly. Notice how it feels in your body—are you stressed or sad or despondent, or physically exhausted? Do you have a headache or feel like sleeping all the time? If it is anger, what is it telling you? “Think about what's wrong, what's possible, and what your strategy might be,” she says.
Share It Directly
“One important thing is to learn to communicate what you want and be able to say, ‘Hey, I’m feeling really angry at you right now,’” says Martin. If it’s not solely about the person you’re mad at, say so. Then tell them exactly what you need, such as “I need you to listen right now” or “I need you not to leave your dishes for me to deal with.” Ideally, your partner, child, or coworker will say, “I didn’t realize you were angry— let me help!” Even if that doesn’t happen (and it may well not), this starts a conversation that may lead to understanding and change, and at minimum, you will not be swallowing your anger.
Seek Validation
You may not be able to alter your situation, but you can know that your anger is justified. “Part of women’s frustration comes from no one listening to them,” says Chemaly. “There are so many opportunities to find like-minded communities,” in person or online, centered on any number of fury-generating issues. Look for people who share your values and are focused on constructive solutions; dodge those who are more inclined to resignation or complaining.
And while constructive expression of anger can help, things like calling your always-angry friend for a bitchfest, engaging with trolls on Twitter, and beating up innocent objects in “rage rooms” will only increase arousal, says Smith. Look for someone who will treat your anger with the respect it deserves and help you talk it through.
Make A Plan
Much of anger management involves dispatching the feeling, but unless you do something about what is making you angry, you will feel disempowered (and the issue will still be there). Writing out your feelings, says Chemaly, can help shift the anger into thought, which may help you see what your anger is directing you to do. Maybe the plan is to update your résumé so you can find a new job—a step toward change. Or it might be to book a hotel over the holiday so you won’t be trapped with people who enrage you. You may not fix everything, but you can usually make yourself more comfortable. “If you can understand the feeling, you are reducing harm to yourself,” says Chemaly.
Find An Outlet
Creative outlets can also be a great way to release anger. “I have been stunned, amazed, and blown away by the creativity of people who have decided to use their angry energy to make beautiful things—comedy routines, art, music,” says Chemaly. Social justice movements also make the world a better place, says Smith, and yet they arose based on angry people pointing out injustice: “When we find outlets for our anger—engaging in social movements, voting, doing things to help other people—we still have some sense of anger, but we are bringing other emotions into our lives.” These include joy and a sense of purpose.
Teach It
Notice when you or someone else tells a woman or girl that she’s being rude when she’s simply expressing anger, suggests Chemaly. Other versions of this negative message are “Maybe you could have found a different way to say that” and “You’re overreacting.” Instead, help her be understood by saying to her something like, “I see that you’re angry; can you tell me what’s making you feel that way?”
Be Gentle With Yourself And Others
When someone does something that makes you furious, assume benign intentions unless you know otherwise. “On some level, all of us have been through a recent trauma—potentially a series of traumas—that has had a huge impact on us and those around us,” says Martin. “To the best of our ability, we should cut ourselves and everyone else some slack.”
Important Notice: This article was originally published at www.prevention.com by Stephanie Dolgoff where all credits are due.
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